The Greening

Spring’s warm greens are a welcome reward for having survived a dreary winter.

It has come! The leaves are budding out, the birds are flitting and chirping, the garden is waking up, and the GREEN! Finally! Spring is in full force. I’ve washed and retired the heavy winter coats and completed the bi-annual “swapping of the wardrobes” for all three of us. It’s cherry blossom season here, and they’re glorious. The air smells fresh, and it was even warm enough this past week to walk barefoot in the yard.

Spring always brings me a sense of relief. We survived the long winter. The tulips are up, and the peas, too. The radishes are awake, and the carrots and beets are coming along. Got some onions going, and a few early brassicas and salad greens. Promises of easier times. I’m sure that’s an ancestral memory; I live 4 blocks from a grocery store, have dozens of meal delivery options at any time, and don’t need to hunt or preserve food to survive. Yet despite the modernity of my little life, that visceral reaction to warming weather holds true. Spring always seems to say “things are going to be easier now.” May it be so for all of us.

Court last week was an interesting experience. The system is SO broken. The judge didn’t even really seem to understand why we were there, and scheduled us for all sorts of things we weren’t even requesting. I’d tried to warn ex this could happen, but… Thankfully, my county has a business interest in keeping things from going to litigation, and the judge sent us to a “facilitator” to see if we could work things out on our own. That was easy. Ex had very little to say, so I did most of the heavy lifting. It’s tradition at this point, and I am willing to do it in the service of my kids (though he can decide to be collaborative and helpful at any point). We now have a visitation schedule that will hopefully allow my daughters an easy(ish) reintegration period and a chance at having a functional(ish) relationship with their dad. Dude better not screw it up (again). My kids deserve better.

I want someone to make me a t-shirt that says “I survived a court hearing that should’ve been an email.” Size XL, if you please. And that’s exactly what it feels like: I survived. Physically, I am quite well. Emotionally, I feel like I’m just getting over some wicked strain of feelings flu. I feel depleted, and vulnerable to whatever other emo cooties might be going around. Of course, now there’s the process of the actual visits to manage. I really hope ex is actually interested in doing this, and doing it well, for the childrens‘ sakes. I suspect that wasn’t even the heart of this recent filing, and it concerns me. Not much I can do about it other than try to make good boundaries to protect the kids, hope for the best and then see what happens.

I’m a bit grudgey because I had to miss Wool Wash Wednesday to go deal with this (unnecessarily messy) mess. I have routines for a reason. They insure all that needs doing gets done, which is a full-time job in and of itself as a single mom and business owner, but they also help to keep me grounded. As I wrote last week, the wool will keep. I’m excited to start processing a new fleece and get back into project making mode.

For now, I am allowing myself a bit of down time and space for extra self-care. I need to recuperate from the battle I just won, because I know there will be more to come. It’s a perpetual threat. It will continue to be until/unless he actively decides to rebuild trust (and he’s going the opposite direction currently, so I’ve little faith that he’s even interested in doing that work). I have no control over that mess as it’s not mine to control. So I return to my own work. To the daily carding for #the100DayProject. To prepwork for the classes I’ll be teaching soon. To the weekly woolwashing, and the slow but steady progress toward the realization of my business endeavors and creative dreams. And along the way, the daily life of mothering.

You know, my real job (because parenting is WORK).